Adoption Is ...

Adoption is beautiful … Adoption is life changing … Adoption is scary … that’s the God’s honest truth.

And I’m not just talking about scary for us … it’s downright scary for birth moms too!

I have often tried to put myself in their shoes and I cannot even begin to imagine.   I feel like to an extent my infertility struggles are similar but yet so different that maybe I can’t relate.  I am all too familiar with emotional roller coasters, raging hormones, hope, desperation, loss, grief, but I’m not sure it compares with placing your child up for adoption.

I spend a lot of time praying about our decision to adopt.  I struggle very much with the fact that I am asking someone to do something I never could in order for me to experience motherhood.  If we are being 100% honest … I could not place my baby up for adoption.  Not at 16, not at 19, not at 21 … not even at 30.  Yet I am expecting someone else to make that sacrifice for us.  In order for Don and I to have our parenting dreams come true, someone else must feel heartache and grief and loss.  I know they are choosing to give their child the life that they simply cannot provide at this time but that doesn’t mean they won’t experience pain and grief and loss.  An open adoption has always been part of our adoption plan so we would never keep their child from them but it is still not the same.  I have heard many mothers say that having a child is like allowing your heart to walk around outside your body and I want someone to trust me with their heart?!  It’s an insane concept when you think about it that way right?  Especially when we essentially just met.  How do they know we are awesome people who will love their child more than words can explain?  How do they know we are good with kids?  How do they know we will provide the life they dream of for their child?  We can tell them but why should they trust us?  Because we know we are good people?  I don’t know about you but that wouldn’t be good enough.  Hopefully we will get to spend enough time together before the baby comes to allow them to know for sure but what if that’s not an option?  How will they ever really know?  And how will we know if they plan to go through with their adoption plan?  How will we know if it’s okay to get attached to our new baby for fear they will take it away during those first 30 days.  Adoption is terrifying!   I think this is what drew me to consider embryo adoption.  It meant that the only person who would get hurt if it didn’t work would be us.  Our quest for parenting bliss wouldn’t hurt anyone other than us.   This is really really hard.  I knew our most recent birth mother connection for about 3 weeks and I think and worry about her constantly.  I hope that she is at peace and that the new family she has chosen is taking good care of her.  That they are aware of her feelings and that they fully understand and appreciate the grief and loss she is going to experience as a result of their parenting bliss.  Birth mothers are warriors.  They are the most selfless people on the planet.  They put their own feelings aside and give their children the most amazing gift anyone could ever give.  I pray every day that should our child find us through domestic infant adoption that we always remember these things and that we do everything we can to be there for our birth mother.   The relationship doesn't stop at birth because we have her heart remember?  I originally got my degree in Psychology hoping to eventually end up in student guidance counseling but this whole experience sure has made me consider the adoption end very seriously.  Maybe it’s the almost mother in me but I want to take all these scared pregnant women and hug them and hold their hands and tell them their emotions are normal and no matter what they decide we will figure it out together. 

In the meantime for those of you who know us personally and want to help with some of this uncertainty feel free to leave a comment for potential birth mothers to read.   Make sure to mention how you know us (family, extended family, church, school, work etc) and you can even post it anonymously if you want.  I promise no edits.  Maybe if they hear some of the things we are saying from people other than us it will help put their mind and hearts at ease. 

This is a really difficult and emotionally charged process but in the end every moment will be more than worth it.   <3