Being Unchosen

One of the many battle scars we've acquired during our journey to parenthood:
My previous post about the match game was written from experience.  A real life, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, heartbreaking experience. 
Perhaps you recall my post from last November about being approached by my doctor regarding a patient of hers who was unexpectedly expecting and looking to place her child up for adoption.  I of course gave her our information and she said she would share.  Months went by and I never heard anything so we assumed she had chosen to parent.  Adoption is a very hard decision so we completely understood.  Then out of nowhere while at an appointment my doctor approaches me again stating this same patient had called just now, while I was in the office, and has decided to move forward with adoption.  Luckily I had one of our adoption cards with me so I gave her the information and went about my day.
That very night we got an email from the birth mother asking to meet.  We were elated!  Finally God was answering our prayers.  It was as though the light had been let back into our lives after being in the dark for so long.  We met the next day and seemed to click right off the bat.  This turned into days of emailing, sharing ultrasound pictures and getting invited to doctors appointments.  We all talked about what we would name him and for the first time in a very long time we allowed ourselves to get attached and picture our future as parents ... actual parents! 
Then came the email I pray no one ever receives.  I am so very sorry to inform you I have chosen another family to raise my son.  There are no words to describe it because I'm not sure language exists to define that depth of pain.  It was as though my heart had been ripped from my chest.  I couldn't see through the tears to even finish the email.  The joy that had once been ours now belonged to someone else.  A very lovely and deserving couple I'm certain but still it was no longer ours.  We would not be raising a baby boy ... we would not be parents. 

Through my sobs I wanted to plead with her to please change her mind.  To tell her there are no better parents out there for her son and that no one could possibly love him the way we would have.  But I knew her mind had been made up.  So I just cried.  I cried until my eyes we so swollen I could hardly see, I cried until my jaw ached, I cried aloud and until I ran out of tissue at work ... then I went home and cried until I fell asleep.  One minute we had this bright future where hubby would coach baby boy's sports team and I would take him to the library for story time.  We would all snuggle on the couch to watch movies and do homework together at the kitchen table.  The dreams were endless but in one single moment they were not our dreams any longer.  The nursery will remain empty and all his baby clothes will get packed away.  The dreams were gone and we were left trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and ever feel whole again.  How long will this ache last in my heart? Would we ever have the strength to risk repeating this level of rejection and heartbreak?  Because in this moment ... this feels like the worst ... the absolute worst :'(