A pretty big wake

Our failed adoption has left a pretty large wake for being such a tiny ship.
A portion of every day is still spent trying to wrap my head around it.
At first I didn't understand the decision to parent.  I couldn't understand how you could have all these desires and standards of care requirements for a child you haven't even met yet but then once you meet her and fall even more in love with her she suddenly deserves less?  How could more love mean she isn't worthy of a stable home environment that is smoke free and financially sound?  How could more love mean that?!  I just don't know :(
And how did we walk away the bad guys in all this?  That has me the most dumbfounded.
For the last 5 months of her pregnancy we provided an entire maternity wardrobe, a winter jacket, snow boots, groceries when her family was in need, transportation to and from doctor appointments, I held her hand for all blood draws, treated her to lunch on the way home from every visit ... this is just a few but the list is extensive.  We bent over backwards to make sure that her pregnancy was as worry free and enjoyable as possible.
So how then did these same people turn into monsters that tried to buy her baby?  Monsters who refuse to let Luke's birth mother see him despite an open adoption agreement?  How then was she forced to go back on her adoption agreement because we got weird?  How?
After having seen these accusations in writing with my own eyes I have spend hours in tears and just complete shock.
There have been no face to face discussions since our birth mother chose to parent.  We were incredibly respectful of her decision and felt that it would have been unfair for her to see us so upset that day at the hospital.  I was adamant that she not be made to feel guilt by seeing our pain.
I feel like she could not have had better potential adoptive parents if she tried!
So how can all our compassion, caring and generosity mean nothing?
I know I shouldn't let what she is saying get to me but it has ruined the adoption experience.  How do we ever move forward and open ourselves up to a birth mother after this?
We had NO idea the entire five months and we spent a great deal of time together.  We were fooled and used and scammed and it hurts ... really really bad.
A thank you for everything you have done for me and I'm sorry I just couldn't go through with my adoption plan would have meant a completely different outcome.  When asked by others a simple, "They were the best I just became too attached to my daughter" would have meant the world.
And because I am still bound and determined to be one of the good ... we had this special ordered for her just moments after Libby was born (yes she kept the name we chose for our daughter).  These are Libby's actual footprints as we thought it would be an excellent way for her to always keep Libby close to her heart.

It arrived about a week after Libby was born and I wrote a very nice note and mailed it to them.
Not a word ... no thank you ... no nothing.
I'm at a loss.  Struggling to see that there are more good people in this world than bad.

And as for Luke's adoption ... I exchanged emails with his birth mother this past week and she is involved at a level that she feels comfortable. She has dictated the level of openness from day one and that has not changed.  

One of those

Yes I am one of those parents.

We cloth diaper 

Other than elimating the chemicals in diapers and the cost and environmental impact you can't deny that these are way cuter than disposables!

We have ditched plastic and started using stainless bottles and sippy cups. 

We clean with safe and environmental friendly products. No safety caps or locked cabinets needed. 

We do the same with our laundry detergent. 

And since Luke can't have anything scented or fabric softener, we soften with vinegar. 

And Coconut Oil ... we put that on and in just about everything!

Yes I am one of those parents but honestly sit down and read some of that research. It just might persuade you to make some small changes and be one of those parents too :)

Teeth

Let's talk for a moment about how much I despise teeth.
Not teething per-say as he breezes through that but specifically the cutting teeth part.
GAH!!!
He turns into a completely different baby almost as though he's been possessed by what we like to call the "tooth demon".
I feel bad for him because I know it can't be easy :(
Yesterday I found myself unable to take anymore of the tooth demon and so I packed him up in the car and we drove ... and we drove ... and we drove some more.

Yep that's me cruising Hwy100 in my SUV jamming to Raffi for approximately an hour and a half.
The entire time I can't help but chuckle to myself about how the term cruising Hwy100 has changed since becoming a mommy.
And ... about 30 minutes into our venture the demon has vanished

We are currently working on both top teeth so I imagine I will be putting the miles on in the next week.
Ugh ... teeth ...

Little big things

Failed adoption is hard and this was our third.  What I was not prepared for was everything that has been said/done since her decision to parent.  Numerous times I have begun drafts pouring my heart out on here in complete disbelief and disgust but every time I find myself with the realization that airing the dirty laundry will only provide cheap and temporary gratification.  And at the end of the day I still won't understand how some people can be so heartless. 
So while I was busy silently losing my faith in humanity there were some pretty special people working overtime to restore it. 

The night we got home from the hospital without Libby had been a scheduled UFC sibling night and we contemplated canceling considering the recent events, however we thought we could sit around alone and feel sorry for ourselves or we could surround ourselves with those who love us instead.  UFC fight night was on.  About thirty minutes before the fight was scheduled to start I received a text from my dear friend Meghan saying she was on her way with beer and brownies.  Gosh I love her.  No can I come over?  Or hey are you busy?  No are you up for some company?  Just I'm coming, like it or not and I'm bringing junk food.  Perfect for someone who loves eating her feelings :)
And then just days later ... perhaps you remember my post nearly a year ago dedicated to my new little friend Audrey?  We only met Audrey and her family through extended family when they reached out wanting to contribute to our rummage fund raiser.  We were touched then and even more so now.  Audrey's awesome momma emailed me saying she had made us dinner and would like to drop it off.  It brought me to tears almost immediately.  And the very next day she was at my doorstep with a delicious spaghetti bake, garlic bread and veggies. 
Just when I knew God was very much alive and people's hearts are very much still good I received yet another beautiful act of kindness.  A package in the mail from a fellow adoptive momma. She sent me some tension tamer tea, two chocolate bars and the sweetest card.  If we are being completely honest, the first chocolate bar didn't make it past reading the card ;)
And just when I thought we had maxed out on unexpected blessings, another friend from back in my high school days contacted us wanting to help.  She is hosting a Norwex adoption fund raiser to help us recover some of the funds we lost through this failed adoption.  Obviously no amount of money can bring back what we lost never getting the opportunity to parent Libby but it can help us be open to and prepared for the possibility to adopt again.  If you aren't familiar with Norwex you should check out their site here.  The products are life changing I promise.
For every cruel and cold hearted person in this world I can tell you from experience there are at least four more with hearts of gold. 
I am beyond thankful for all of the wonderful people in our lives.  We could not have gotten through this the way we have without you.
Thank you, we love you and may God bless you tenfold.